Squirrel Wars: An Epic Struggle (Installment I)

Long ago on a roof not so far away…

The noble family, DiPaola, came to live in castle Merriweather; a home upon a small hill. The early days of their lives in this place were peaceful and filled with joy. One day as the parents lay in their bed a small scratching was heard. It soon became a loud grinding, scratching, skittering noise.

Was it a raccoon? Perhaps some gargoyle had come to roost upon their happy home. What could this sound be? It was the first rumblings of the invasion! For you see the squirrels had come to nest upon their happy home. From this day forth as the earth would cool into it’s winter slumber they would return. Heralded by the same scratching, grinding, skittering noise the battle would begin a new.

No matter how she tired the beautiful, intelligent, caring, talented, kind, gifted, gentle queen could not convince the king to call the court roofer or the exterminator of the kingdom. No he insisted from that first battle the he, King of all his domain would not be thwarted by mere rodents. He alone, with only his wit and the assistance of the eldest prince of the land would rid the kingdom of this scourge.

The first volley in this skirmish came in the form of Tabasco spray repellent. It seemed that this tactic may have worked, for the squirrels were not heard for days. Alas they returned, I imagine equipped with little squirrel sized gas masks, for they were no longer effected by the spray. Weeks passed with the queen begging her noble husband to simply call in the professionals, to no avail. Soon winter set in and the plague grew silent.

Spring came with the it’s warming sun and the squirrels set of to nest in trees and in the back yard gazebo. The royal cats chased them with joy and all was well upon the roof of castle Merriweather. Summer followed spring in peace. The war far from their memory the family settled into fall. As the days grew shorter and the air colder, the second volley came with return of the scratching. This time, better armed in his opinion, the king returned to the fray. No more “useless crap” was sprayed upon the enemy. No, this battle would be harder fought with more “advanced” weaponry… FOAM! Over the queen’s cries for reason the king sent their son up to the roof with a can of spray foam sealant. Their aim, to close off the squirrel route like the Spartans to the Persians. The prince sprayed the foam. A large UGLY mess of goopy yellow crap lay in contrast to the dark blue roofing tiles of the castle. But our misguided heroes did not account for the possibility that the enemy may have left behind troops. One singular squirrel soldier, bravely pushed the foam out of the hole. To their shock the squirrel stood in triumph upon the roof staring down at the family standing in the drive way, with what could only be described as a look of defiance on his face. He stood upon his hind quarters looked down at them as if to say “Okay you stupid humans is this all you’ve got?!”. All the while the glob of goo slowly rolled down the slope of the roof leaving behind it a trail of unsightly and UN REMOVABLE gunk! It ended it’s journey in the drain, causing the king to rush up a latter and remove it before it could harden, blocking the drain and potentially flooding the castle.

Again the queen pleaded, call an expert PLEASE.. her cries falling again upon deaf ears…

Stay tuned the as the saga continues….

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