Dear Manufactures, Monthly “gift” and Modern Science,
You each, in the words of the immortal Desi Arnez, have some splaining to do! Ms. Monthly, I understand that our visits have been a necessary part of my womanhood. However, having taken full advantage of the motherhood clause four times now, I’d like to renegotiate the terms of our “agreement”. I can accept the fact that, like a visit from one’s in-laws, you may from time to time make an unscheduled visit, overstaying your welcome. That said however, I would like to know why your once rather reliable schedule has turned into a guessing game as I have continued age. As if the great follicle migration and ever stretching stretch marks were not enough of an insult. Now I must endure days of panic due to your late arrivals, punctuated with the occasional “oopse” early arrival. Would that you could show me just the smallest bit of courtesy, I feel the years of our acquaintance should have earned me, and show up on time. IS that too much to ask?!
And for your part, manufactures of products intended to help deal with the symptoms Ms. Monthly inflicts on me, shame on you! Why? Well because I noticed this morning at 3 a.m. when I was rather impatiently waiting for the relief promised by one of your products, that you had pulled a fast one. It seems that one of your coconspirators (I will simply say that the product name rhymes with the first name of the NFL player Edgerinn James, no I didn’t make that up you’ll have to credit his mother with that stroke of genius) has duped me with pink packaging! Feeling the eminent arrival of Ms. Monthly I rushed to the drug store to purchase some pharmaceutical support. On sale, in it’s lovely pink wrapper, was a product proposed to fit the bill. Yet as I looked at the capsule in my palm this morning it looked suspiciously familiar. So I grabbed a bottle of my favorite “Tension Headache” product from the medicine cabinet. It was not only the same “formula” the dam capsule was even the same! I paid $2 more for the pink packaging!! WARNING: it is NEVER good to tick off a woman in need of PMS relief!!!
This brings me to YOU Mr. Modern Science (yes giving a male gender to science was intentional on my part). Can you please explain to me how it is that with your vast and inventive assistance the Human Gnome has been mapped. We’ve not only sent people into space, but they live there for extended periods of time. I can now purchase a car that runs on corn oil. My father no longer drives aimlessly for miles refusing to ask for directions, because mom bought him a GPS. Or even that, ethics smethics, a woman can have 14 kids on a whim. BUT you can’t seem to find a “cure” for the “curse”!!! Why must I, and countless other women/mothers, be made to feel that we are temporarily insane on a monthly basis?! Why is there not a product out there that truly relieves the bloating, fatigue and cramps like we have been promised?! I simply don’t understand why the only lame excuse for an answer seems to be , PINK FREAKING PACKAGING like we’ll buy that (well okay maybe I did, but that is beside the point). Put your talents to better use and rid the world of the scourge that is Pre Menstrual Syndrome. Wait a minute, you named it that didn’t you? Well let me just tell you it isn’t simply PRE, its during and sometimes even after! Perhaps the true definition for the term PMS, is Putting up with Men’s S*#!&…!!
In closing, phooie on all of you I need something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!!
With little regard,