Hello Chicken Nuggetiers! I am so excited to be a guest blogger on CNOW! I have been an avid reader of DiPaola Mama’s blog for some time now and I am just honored she would hand me the keys to her home and allow myself to get cozy while she is away.
Unfortunately, I’m like that teenager who’s parents tell her “NO Parties!” and I turn around and have the biggest party EVER! One of my favorite movies is Sixteen Candles and I always think of that huge party where someone tp’s the front lawn and people are passed out in the bushes. That’s my kind of partay!
So even though I have a pretty cool blog (at least that is what I tell myself!) and I could totally use this opportunity to promote myself and make ya’ll like me and my cheapskate tips, I just have to get something off my chest. I love that I have hijacked this blog so no one in my family will see what I have to say here!
Bear with me. You may want to tell the kiddies to exit the room because what I have to say may be offensive to some…
Laura likes to have her Fit Pitchin’ Fridays…well let’s just call today “She Said What?!? Saturday!”
You heard me right, I said P-E-N-I-S!
I’m the only person in my home without one. Even my two weiner dogs, have penises, though unlike my husband and sons, my dogs got their testicles taken off. The vet said that if they kept their testicles they would become aggressive and want to show their dominance. I learned a couple other facts about neutering that I found interesting:
A testicleless (I know the proper term but I prefer testicleless, it has a nice ring to it!) dog has less odor in his urine (hmmm while cleaning the occasional accident, I would have to disagree!)
A testicleless dog usually won’t mark his territory (my dogs both must be the exception to this! At least they limit this to the backyard)
Oh and the whole dominance thing…well my dogs are two males and let’s just say Oscar is the “top” and Toby is the “bottom”…my husband swears it is a dominance issue, I happen to think both of them are enjoying themselves waaaay too much for it to be about dominance. Then again, maybe they are into that sort of thing…I just wish they’d keep it in the kennel!
Back to me being the only member of my family without a penis. I just don’t get the whole novelty behind owning a penis. I mean, what is with all the touching? Is there some sort of curse that males get where if you don’t touch it every 3 minutes, it will wither away?
We women can relate to having a curse, Aunt Flo is not the nicest vistor and having her around once a month can be excruciating to say the least! So what if men actually have an Uncle Frank? Except he visits once every few minutes to throw the unsuspecting male’s hand over his crotch. Like our Aunt Flo with her cramps and bloating, sometimes Uncle Frank adds an itch that needs to be scratched , or prompts an embarrassing game of tug-o-self. Sometimes Uncle Frank likes to make that itch move all over that region, which makes the unsuspecting man adjust and scratch to no end! To make matters worse, men are totally oblivious to Uncle Frank’s visits. I try to nicely tell my husband to take his hand off his crotch and he gets surprised by my request. The hand stays right in place as he says “huh?” then goes back to watching tv.
I am used to dealing with my husband but raising three boys is an experience only a mother of multiple boys would truly understand and sympathize with.
My oldest son never really had an interest in discovering himself. There was a brief period of time where as a young baby he would do the reach and check but eventually he stopped checking. Being my oldest, I figured he had outgrown a normal stage for little boys. Now that he is quickly becoming a teenager, I am finding myself completely unprepared for that big “talk” we parents are supposed to have. Not too long ago, I was in the pediatrician’s office with him for a check up. While waiting, I grabbed a brochure called “Understanding Puberty” and started to read it. He grabbed the same brochure and I found myself reading aloud the early signs of puberty in boys…”You may notice hair beginning to grow in your armpits and using deodorant is wise…” Ok I can handle this! What’s next? “Your penis *cough* ugh will become lar—oh jeez, Austin put that book down, now!” He laughed at me and asked if he could take the pamphlet home to read on his own and I nodded quickly trying to hide the scarlet color that had graced my cheeks.
I am so not ready for “The Talk” but I know it must be done soon. Who better to hand the Big Talk reigns to than my husband? I mean, I cannot begin to understand what it is like to have a penis so I think naturally the head male in our household needs to sit down and talk to our son. So I filed that in the back of my mind to bring up to my husband later.
Fast forward a couple of months (ok I lost that file…) let’s just say I had an even more awkward moment when I went into my son’s room without knocking (I will ALWAYS knock from NOW on!) Yep – it’s time for my husband to take the boy fishing or hiking or somewhere in the woods where they can talk man talk FAR away from ME!
My middle son, Zach. He is the sweetest little boy. He loves his Mama and he loves Star Wars. He is 6 years old and excited to be a First Grader this coming school year. When he was a toddler, I am talking a little more than two years old, he had this weird habit of laying on the floor, barely moving while making grunting noises and breaking a sweat. One day I had a friend over and Zach was on the floor and my friend started laughing and asked why he was humping the floor. I about died on the spot. I seriously had no clue. Now that it was pointed out to me, it became very clear what he was doing. I didn’t know what to do. He was so young, I didn’t want to scold him. I just picked him up and tried to distract him with toys. He did this often, like a few times a week. I stammered while mentioning this to his pediatrician during his well visit. The corners of his mouth twitched and I noticed he was biting the inside of his cheek as he told me not to worry, sometimes little boys just go through a phase…
Eventually he stopped finding my floors irresistable. I felt safe enough to invite friends over again. Unfortunately, my little boy likes to pee with the door open…in the middle of dinner. Oh and I forgot to mention that when he has to potty he exclaims quite loudly “My weiner hurts!” This is my cue to tell him to go potty. He then takes out his penis and runs the 20 feet or so to our bathroom in front of our guests. Oh my! I was speechless. They were crying from laughing so hard. My son giggled as he soaked in all that bad attention. Meanwhile I was trying to find a large rock to crawl under, I was so embarrassed.
My Zach. My sweet boy. He really is the worse of the bunch when it comes to his penis. He just has no shame. It seems as though he always has one hand over it. I am constantly telling him to stop grabbing himself. He talks about it all the time to his friends, along with other lovely topics like burping, boogers and his favorite…farts. I’m afraid to take him to church most Sundays because I never know what is going to come out of his mouth! My naughty gay weiner dogs aren’t helping the situation either. Seems they like to show their dominance in front of my kids more often than I care to admit. All of my boys are amused by this and I’ll find them on all fours giggling and pointing at my dachshunds in all their PDA glory. I’m the mean mother breaking up their fun as I poke the canine love-birds with a mop and kick their little butts outside. My boys on the other hand will usually have a case of the giggles for a good half hour after this.
My baby, Micah. Oh how I wanted him to be a girl! I asked the ultrasound tech to please check again several times before she put a big arrow on a photo of the oh-so-obvious penis and wrote “Not a girl” on my picture. He is my last baby, and now that I understand he is a boy, about as boyish and a boy can be, I am cool with that. It took a couple of days after that ultrasound to get over the fact I would be raising three boys, but once I held him in my arms I knew that he completed our family, I wouldn’t have traded him for any girl!
Seems he is at that age where all things in the world arouse a curiousity that is just so pure and innocent. He is discovering a his actions often lead to reactions good and bad. I love capturing his oh so cute faces as he ventures throughout his day. It seems he has also latched on to the need to grab himself all the time. I swear it is in the males genetic make-up to be this way. My Micah, so young and adorable. No way is this a learned behavior. The most curious thing is the look he gets the moment his diaper comes off and he immediately grasps on to himself. It’s almost a look of relief, like “Whew! It’s still there!”
My days are filled with phrases like “For the love of God, will you PLEASE pee IN the toilet!” and “If I catch you grabbing yourself again, I am getting the hot sauce!” (Hey, hot sauce worked for naughty words, so why not?)
Being the only woman in the home is hard. There is no demanding that the toilet seat remain down. Nope. Majority rules in my house. There are many nights I stumble to the bathroom only to have my cheeks hit the water right before I remember the seat is always up. No one can sympathize with me when Aunt Flo comes around. No one can understand my need to discuss what happened on The Real Housewives show. I try and get help when I want to know if my shoes look good with my jeans and all I get is “Yeah sure you look fine…” without even a glance in my direction. Taking my boys shopping is HELL. For real. They hate shopping and I wince as I type this: They make me hate shopping too. I used to love buying clothes and now I just wear what I have in my closet, which is looking a little empty these days since I have gotten rid of my pregnancy wardrobe and post baby wear. No one wants to get a pedicure with me, no one understands why I refuse to get my hair cut at Great Clips. I find myself sometimes wishing I fit in more with the Boys Club in my home.
So there you have it. My Penis rant. I feel quite relaxed now that I got that off my chest! Honestly, I could have went on a little longer but wives, mothers to boys and mothers to men, and owners of horny gay weiner dogs all can relate when I say it never ends. *sigh*
Thanks for letting me debut my “She said WHAT?!? Saturday rants with you! I’m sure Laura will be thrilled when she comes back to find the word PENIS on her blog!
If you related to what I had to say here, you may find THIS POST amusing.
Here are some of my favorite blog moments:
Oh and to sweeten the deal, DiPaola Mama has offered up a $15.00 Target Gift Card to one lucky commenter! Just leave a comment under this post to enter!
This giveaway will be open (like all the rest of Vacay Giveaway Extravaganza) until midnight Friday June 26th (eastern time). The winner will be announced Saturday June 27th. Sorry this one is only open to US and CA residents.. though I’m working on a giveaway for your saucy international Nuggets!
I’ve enjoyed my visit with all of you!