Single+living in LA+owning a cat = ?

Seems there were a few confused Nuggets, I guess, considering I got an email about this. So for the record, when you see blue font it’s me adding in my two cents cuz I can’t shut the heck up. This should help our next guest out when we get to the portion of this post where the word “swoon” is inserted IN BLUE.. meaning I said it not him. I’m not saying he didn’t think it. How would I know? (wink wink) Who am I to judge? Please welcome Lance Carter

My name is Lance and I’m an actor here in LA. I’m not married (never been), no kids and have a cat. 

Since I’m originally from Maryland, going back home is fun. Last time I went back, I found out something really interesting. Apparently, I’m gay. I had no idea.

See, I was at my high school reunion mingling, talking to people, and just having a really awful time. The minute I’d walk away, I would turn see them whispering about me.

Eventually I go to the bathroom. I’m standing there peeing when the former captain of the football team walks in and stands at the urinal next to me.

I haven’t talked to this guy since like the 10th grade when he shoved me in a locker. And I think the extent of that conversation was me saying, “ow.”

He looks at me and says, “You’re gay?”

Now, all of a sudden he wants to talk? You’d think he would at least start off with a “What’s up?”  Nope. He’s asking me if I’m gay while both of our hodads are in our hands.

Me: What are you talking about?
Him: You’re an actor.
Me: Yeah.
Him: You’ve never been married.
Me: No.
Him: And you don’t have kids.
Me: No…

 Then he looks at me, like all of a sudden he’s like a redneck Nancy Drew. “You’re gay, right?”

“No, jackass. I live in LA. No one is married in LA. No one even WANTS to be married EXCEPT the gays. Now if you’ll excuse me while I put my heynow back in my pants.”

I swear to you this happened.. ok, except for the last part. I didn’t say that but believe me I wanted to. (I actually thought of that while I was on the plane home to LA).

Things is, I get this whenever I go back to MD. No one ever accuses Matthew Perry (um nobody? Really?) of being gay. Not Jeremy Piven (hack who owes his career to —>), John Cusack (swoon). Nope. You know why? Seriously… do you know why? Cause I have no idea.

Maybe they’re jealous? I mean, I felt bad for the Football Captain. His wife used to be so hot. She was the prom queen. Now she looks more like Larry King. Thanks! I’ll be here all week.

Is it that all married people want me to be as miserable as they are? Believe me, I’ll be as miserable as you eventually. Its just that, part of the reason I don’t want to get married yet is because I still feel immature. I still feel like I’m 18. I drink too much. I daydream all the time. I still fantasize about a radioactive spider biting me.


Lance is the mind behind the awesomeness of where you can find everything from musings of Indy Directors like Zak Forsman (I’m a total Indy flick chick) to interviews with industry insiders like actor Armin Shimerman (ooh Quark I’m SUCH the Trek dork!). He is also a gifted actor, writer and does what I hear is a great stand-up bit. Thanks Lance, and for the record Clay called and said though he thinks you are way hot you are so not gay. 

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