After a resounding cry from the masses last week (read: my mom called me) I have made an editorial call here and chosen, under threat of being gifted all items on this guide, to expand and republish this post ahead of THIS SUNDAY’s (yes people this weekend) celebration.
Welcome to the revisited “official” Fit Pitchin’ Friday guide to Mother’s Day Gift Ideas you should KEEP TO YOURSELF!
Live animals. Dad’s we realize that the siren song of “The kids wanted to get this for you” is a pull nearly as strong as a lazy boy chair accompanied by a cooler stocked with your libation of choice, but I implore you to resist. You are stronger that you think you are. Perhaps an exercise in visualization will help you steel yourself against the draw of giving in to cries of “But, mommy would loooove this hamster daddy, reeeeallly reeeallly she would, we KNOW it!”. Let me guide you here. Let us close our eyes, take a deep cleansing breath and travel, in our mind’s eye, back in time. The woman you love is swollen to the size of a small ocean mammal. Beads of sweat roll from hair matted to her head as she cries out in pain. “Push, breath, push” you and a room packed with casual acquaintances, yell at her from your perch near her most private of regions. Like she needs coaching, bah! Changing her body and life forever she brings forth the small person you’ve created together. See her, siting in the same spittle stained t-shirt she’s been sporting for a week, removing the last vestiges of excrement from the small posterior of this child your love has brought into the world. Fast forward in your memory, envision the mounds of laundry, hours of lost sleep and dress sizes never to be revisited. NOW, tell me that a crapping, smelly rodent, to feed and clean up after, is the proper way to thank her for all that she is. If you can do this in good conscience, then I have a cricket you need to meet buddy! note: this also applies to reptiles, all species of rodent, and both canines and felines alike.
Weight loss paraphernalia. Unless expressly requested, nothing says “Baby I love you just the way you used to be pre-kids. So get to work already!” like a gym membership. Trust me, mom is well aware of what work needs to be done. When she asks you “Does my butt look big in this” she is either a) positive that she rocks those skinny jeans butt and all, b) a Glutton for punishment and well probably carbs (I own this category) or c) she really wants your opinion. In which case I suggest you lie YOUR butt off! A nice basket of fresh pastries and a little “Hey there MILF” action are both excellent substitutions here.
Brunch at the buffet (aka the feeding trough). Greasy limp bacon, dried out danish and burnt coffee. This is what you consider an homage to mom? Mom, you know her, the woman who annually braves treacherous grocery store isles filled with crazed maniacs piloting wheeled war machines on reconnaissance missions. Holiday Super Soldiers who’s only aims are to pillage and escape with the last jar of marshmallow fluff and they aren’t afraid to karate chop you in the larynx to get it. All this so that you, her darling offspring, can enjoy your Christmas double chocolate, chocolate chip marshmallow fudge.
Tents re-purposed as sleep wear. I’ve conducted a very scientific poll of mothers world wide (if you believe that I’ve got this bridge you might be interested in). The majority of the moms who participated very much enjoyed a comfy set of PJs. An equal amount of them would rather purchase their own! For some reason givers of pajama gifts tend to either miscalculate the recipient’s size or age by a wide margin. Nothing says “I crapped out on you this mothers day” like Great Grandma Jumbo the elephant’s retro chic housecoat.
Grocery store flora. April showers just might bring on the flowers that bloom in May. However, I’d wager that the thunder storm in the produce department at the local Shop and Save isn’t part of that circle of life! Mother’s are endowed with a several supernatural abilities, provided to them during the gestational jig called baby baking. Yes we have a set of undetectable eyes in the backs of our heads. We know how to get you to eat spinach, without ever knowing. And among these gifts we also have the ability to spot a bouquet of filler flowers from three states away. Choose wisely children. Do you want those followers to say “Mom, you bring so much beauty into my world, I just wanted to share some with you.” or “Avocados were three for a buck. Guacamole for everyone!”.
Custom decorated sportswear. Don’t get me wrong here. I treasure the t-shirt my kids made for me that turned their sweet little hand prints into flowers blooming all over the sucker. However this gift has an expiration date. If you happen to be over 21 it’s simply bad form to make mom a hand print t-shirt. For one she knows you’ve got both a car and a job. I feel it’s safe to suggest that she just might wonder why you couldn’t find your way to the local outlet mall. Secondly it might send the wrong message to the public at large. After all mom shouldn’t be traipsing about the farmer’s market looking as though she has been felt up by the guy at the paint your own pottery booth.
Appliances. This is a no brainer people, come on. Unless you plan on buying mom a floor cleaning robot, the only household chore related gift you should consider purchasing the woman who spent endless hours in excruciating pain to bring you into this world, should be maid service, a cabana boy or Mr. Butler (as pictured below, thankyouverymuch)
Remember dear friends, be you moms or nons, this is the one day of the year she gets all to herself. Put a little effort into it people. Now I’ve gotta run. I hear the local outlet mall is giving away free pajamas and mums with the purchase of every vacuum cleaner.
And to MY mom…Yes you may have gone from Hippie Chick to a Pit Bull with Lipstick, but you NEVER stopped being my personal compass, cheerleader and hero. You are a shining example of what it is to be a woman and a mother. I thank you for being my “Giving Tree”. Happy Mother’s Day!