New Year’s Resolutions: I found the perfect one!

I’m loathe to make any sort of resolution, let alone one at the start of the new year. However, being the big fury ball* of contradiction that I am, I went and made one this year. Brace yourselves Nuggetiers it’s a doozie. (insert pregnant pause followed by a symphonic drum roll)

In this, the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, I -Lara DiPaola, being of questionably sound mind and certainly unsound body- do solemnly resolve to be ever resolute in my personal resolution to resolve NOT A DAM THING!

You see I hate to fail. Really who likes to? So why do we set ourselves up like this every January first?

“Oh, I resolve to spend my time doing the things I like to do.” (she quotes in her best high pitched mocking tone)

Really, ya do huh? I say we all make that resolution. Why not? Because honestly who needs people to spend time doing things they don’t like? Perhaps things like oh collecting trash?

AP – For the first time since a Christmas weekend blizzard that dumped 20 inches of snow on New York City, …

Or in my case doing laundry, paying bills and acting as though a weekend at my in-laws would be a good idea. Nah who needs that? I say we  just drink beer, watch football and dance people!  Then again, if you’re into picking up trash or hanging with the MIL… like it’s your “thing”… well then more power to ya, resolve away my friend.

“I resolve to be more kind to others” (blah blah blah)

Good for you! I say that earnestly and in the most sincere way I can, for you see I could never keep that one. I’d be toast the first time some asshat cut me off in traffic or worse one who sped up so I couldn’t change lanes. You know that guy. He is the one who can’t live with the thought that someone might even be pondering the notion of encroaching upon the lane that was no doubt created with the expressed use of ONLY his over priced, gas guzzling, environmentally uncouth SUV in mind as it’s only purpose in life. My kindness resolution would be out the window, along with the bird no doubt.

“I am going to get organized and stay on-task and in-the-zone this year” (gag)

Aside from the obvious and gratuitous overuse of annoying catch phrases in this resolution there are several other issues at play in my inability to hop on board with this resolution. 1) Organization is for the sick-minded. B) If I had just one task, dude this would be doable. As any mom can attest, that just ain’t happenin’. Lastly) I have four kids. Game. Set. Match. This one is in the crapper.

“I’m going to loose weight, get in shape and change the world” (oh you poor, poor, deluded thing)

In actuality this one I could support. The thing is I can also support sparkly, hot, vampires who will no doubt meet me in some antique bookstore, quote Edna St. Vincent Millay to me -in Italian of course- and whisk me away to an eternity of free reading time and crazy pillow “talk”. So yeah, I’m thinking neither of these -as lovely as they sound- is in the cards for me.

That leaves me with the best option for success out there.. do nothing.. it’s a sure thing!

* By “fury” I mean actual fur. Have you seen my upper lip? WTH?!

5 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolutions: I found the perfect one!”

  1. Was it intentional, and part of the joke, that you resolved to do all of this “In this, the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve,”? You know, because, it’s only 2011. And if it was part of the joke, and I’m just showing my blondeness, don’t mind me, I’ve been drinking. Yesterday was Bring Your Vodka to Work Day. What? Isn’t every day?

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