There is no “NEW” Forty!

It was bound to happen and in all honesty the alternative is even less attractive. You see, despite my attempts at mastery of the space-time continuum, in less than two months I will turn 40! Yes I’ll officially be “over forty” (by one day) on July 9th. Please resist the urge to say things like “Forty is the new twenty” and “Age is only a number”. Let us not kid ourselves, 40 is FORTY and aging sucks in-grown toenails!

Though the preceding sentiments have been boycotted I will, however, welcome the following:

“Forty smorty Kim Kardashian has got nothin’ on you sister!” (when it comes to being delusional my personal philosophy is go big or go home… obviously)

“You wrote your first best seller before you turned forty? Brava!” (so what if it isn’t true, nobody reads more than 140 characters at a time anymore anyway. Thank you Twitter for the dumbing down of society at large allowing me to indulge in fantasy uninhibited by truth.. much like our fearless leaders, nest’ pas?)

“You look so much younger than your husband” (so this is true, but I never get tired of hearing it. Sorry baby!)

The following sentiments will be welcomed with brute force or out right denial:

“Oh it’s not that bad!” (additional penalties -in the the form of public flogging- will be levied upon anyone UNDER the age of 35 who utters these words)

“I LOVED turning forty!!” (We both know this is a lie. Let us be honest and supportive in this time of need)

“You think forty is bad, wait til you hit fifty.” (I only put on one Pity Party at a time and you have not been invited to this one. Besides this is just plain mean and cruelty of this nature will not be tolerated)

To all those who went before me, in whom your suffering I may or may not have found the opportunity to poke fun, I am honestly sorry. Trust me, the Gods have seen fit to punish me for my lack of sympathy as evidenced by the following:

  • The boobies have headed south for vacation
  • The great follicle migration to my upper lip, chin and now neck (WTH!) has begun to pick up speed and of late
  • Getting out of the bed the day after Yoga class now requires a deftly engineered system of levers and pulleys.

Rest assured that I am paying for my youthful rhetoric. Yet I shall always hold steadfast to one unalienable truth…

Growing old maybe be mandatory but growing up is NOT!


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