Have you ever been in a public place and faced with some sort of happening that causes your brain to scream for action whilst your mouth becomes inexplicably paralyzed? Judging by the fact that there is an entire TV show dedicated to this conundrum, it is likely you’ve been here too.
Now, in general, I have never been one to remain mute in any setting, for any reason. Some may say I have been imbued with the, “gift of gab” or as my father so eloquently puts it, “verbal diarrhea”. I firmly believe that my opinions are gifts to be shared with generosity which rivals that of St. Nicholas himself. I like to think that I am a walking public service announcement, doing good for all and annoying the multitudes. (back off, my delusions of grandeur are mine dammit)
Scene: Waiting room at the doctor’s office. Me in a chair three feet away from Mom, Grandmom and 2 Month Old.
kicking ass at Angry Birds minding my own business.
2 Month Old: Working himself up into a full fit.
Mom: Rocking the baby carrier at hurricane force. (HELLO have you NOT heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome you neophyte?!)
GrandMom to Mom: “Hon, I don’t think he is likin’ that so much. Maybe try holding him up.”
At this point the mom in me is relieved, Grandmom has come to the rescue. The child’s brain function is saved, at least for now.
Mom picks up 2 Month Old… By. His. Wrists. Child stops crying, presumably because his little brain has yet to process this new form of torture.
GrandMom: “Awe, looky. That there made him happy.”
Mom: “Oh yeah, he loves this. He really likes it when I flip him through his arms. He is my little monkey. Aren’t ya baby? You’re mommy’s little monkey boy, huh?”
GrandMom: “Silly monkey baby. Don’t do that too much though, you might dislocate his arms.”
Pause for me to pick pieces of brain matter off the ceiling as my head has just exploded.
I swear I was checking air vents and desk plants for hidden cameras. This HAD to be a setup.
What did I do?
Me. Mom of four. Walking public service announcement. Pontificate of prattle. Unapologetically opinionated. I did nothing.
Really, what could I do? What would you do?