The Oath of True Friendship was originally written on the momentous occasion marking the day LONG ago on which Mrs. Blais graced the world by birthing her youngest daughter. A woman who would go on to achieve heights as meteoric as being anointed my Very Bestest Buddy… Ri.
I’ve changed it a bit here — mostly to protect the innocent, and possibly to keep the authorities baffled. Being that Ri is my dearest gal pal, I know her well enough to fully expect that she will have misplaced the original. So, I’m committing this version to posterity by posting it on my blog — which will undoubtedly one day be among the finest examples of what our culture was once capable of. Pfft.. .riiight!
When you are sad — I will help you get pissed the hell off, dig up dirt on, and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue — I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you, then remind you that we CHEW our food.
When you smile — I will know you’re thinking of something that I would likely be game to involve myself with – even if questionably wise and only partially legal.
When you are scared — I will call you a wuss, tell you to “man up” and then cover your six.
When you are worried — I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you STOP WHINING!
When you are confused — I will remind you that this isn’t Mr. Whatshisface’s 11th grade trigonometry class. Unlike that final… we’ll figure this out.
When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me unless you’re wearing that bio-hazard suit I bought you for Festivus three years ago!
When you fall — once I’ve stopped laughing my ass off and posting a photo of you on Instagram, I’ll help you up even if that means throwing out my back and ending up on the ground beside you.
When it is your birthday — I’ll forego the obligatory, hollow Facebook birthday wishes and instead open the whiskey to let it breathe before I toast the best friend and partner in crime any saucy wench of questionable judgment could hope to be blessed with.
This is my oath… my pledge it to the end. Why?
Because you are my friend.