Category Archives: Making an ASS of myself

From the mouths of lil’ Nuggets

Scene: Car, mother and four year old daughter -lil’ Nugget-, driving near a farm. Cows in field.

ACTION

Lil Nugget: “Mommy look cows”

Mother: “Yep”

Lil Nugget: “Do you remember when we went to the farm, that one day?”

Mother: “Sure do. Do you remember what we got to do there?”

Lil Nugget: “Uh huh, we got to milk the cow’s doodle”

Scene: Mother spits coffee on the steering wheel. Sputters and swerves.

ACTION

Mother: “No honey it wasn’t a “doodle”. It was girl cow. Those were her breasts.”

Lil Nugget: “No it looked like a doodle. Your breasts don’t look like that. You forgot. Remember it’s this doodle and you pull on it and milk comes out.”

Mother: “Trust me honey it the cow’s breast. In fact they call the teats.”

Lil Nugget: “They are NOT teeths. Oh forget it I’m asking daddy he knows more about these things.”

FIN

New Year’s Resolutions: I found the perfect one!

I’m loathe to make any sort of resolution, let alone one at the start of the new year. However, being the big fury ball* of contradiction that I am, I went and made one this year. Brace yourselves Nuggetiers it’s a doozie. (insert pregnant pause followed by a symphonic drum roll)

In this, the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, I -Lara DiPaola, being of questionably sound mind and certainly unsound body- do solemnly resolve to be ever resolute in my personal resolution to resolve NOT A DAM THING!

You see I hate to fail. Really who likes to? So why do we set ourselves up like this every January first?

“Oh, I resolve to spend my time doing the things I like to do.” (she quotes in her best high pitched mocking tone)

Really, ya do huh? I say we all make that resolution. Why not? Because honestly who needs people to spend time doing things they don’t like? Perhaps things like oh collecting trash?

AP – For the first time since a Christmas weekend blizzard that dumped 20 inches of snow on New York City, …

Or in my case doing laundry, paying bills and acting as though a weekend at my in-laws would be a good idea. Nah who needs that? I say we  just drink beer, watch football and dance people!  Then again, if you’re into picking up trash or hanging with the MIL… like it’s your “thing”… well then more power to ya, resolve away my friend.

“I resolve to be more kind to others” (blah blah blah)

Good for you! I say that earnestly and in the most sincere way I can, for you see I could never keep that one. I’d be toast the first time some asshat cut me off in traffic or worse one who sped up so I couldn’t change lanes. You know that guy. He is the one who can’t live with the thought that someone might even be pondering the notion of encroaching upon the lane that was no doubt created with the expressed use of ONLY his over priced, gas guzzling, environmentally uncouth SUV in mind as it’s only purpose in life. My kindness resolution would be out the window, along with the bird no doubt.

“I am going to get organized and stay on-task and in-the-zone this year” (gag)

Aside from the obvious and gratuitous overuse of annoying catch phrases in this resolution there are several other issues at play in my inability to hop on board with this resolution. 1) Organization is for the sick-minded. B) If I had just one task, dude this would be doable. As any mom can attest, that just ain’t happenin’. Lastly) I have four kids. Game. Set. Match. This one is in the crapper.

“I’m going to loose weight, get in shape and change the world” (oh you poor, poor, deluded thing)

In actuality this one I could support. The thing is I can also support sparkly, hot, vampires who will no doubt meet me in some antique bookstore, quote Edna St. Vincent Millay to me -in Italian of course- and whisk me away to an eternity of free reading time and crazy pillow “talk”. So yeah, I’m thinking neither of these -as lovely as they sound- is in the cards for me.

That leaves me with the best option for success out there.. do nothing.. it’s a sure thing!

* By “fury” I mean actual fur. Have you seen my upper lip? WTH?!

Thanks & Spanx

Hello taps mic is this thing on? Hi, there everybody it’s great to be here in where the hell am I again Narnia? Though I could have done with a bigger wardrobe, but eh what girl couldn’t? Bada Bing! Seriously though folks I’m here to jump on the bandwagon tell you about what I’m thankful for this year. Yeah yeah, like you need to hear the mushy and cliche “I’m thankful for my family, the dog and fried dough” stuff. So I’ll spare you that, instead boring wowing you with the top ten -in no particular order- sonotcliche things I’m thankful for. Enter the soap box, upon which I shall now install myself.

  1. K-cups. Sure I don’t have a freaking Keurig but just the knowledge that there is a rapid-delivery-multi-function-endless-option dispensary out there for caffeine gives this coffee junkie hope and THAT is something to be thankful for.
  2. Day Light Savings. Seriously how could you NOT be thankful for an extra hour of sleep even if it’s only for a day or two, so what if it ends up getting dark at noon?
  3. Sweater Weather. I, and my muffin top, will be forever thankful for this season of hiding of the wobbly bits under chic sheep’s fur.
  4. Chestnuts. Okay so I can’t say that I’ve ever roasted one on a fire, open or closed, but those suckers sure taste great in Pad Thai!
  5. Fiber. Cardboard no.. fiber yes.
  6. Frederick’s of Hollywood. Now pull your brains out of the gutter people, we are not going there. I’m thankful for Freddie’s because no where else on earth seems to get exactly how much freak-of-nature boobies, like the girls, need the “lift and separate” treatment. Uniboob can be stopped in our lifetime if we all do our part!
  7. Twitter. What? Well yes I’m thankful for Twitter, I can while away hours and hours doing nothing but “talking” to strangers on the interwebs, it’s like blogging in the round. (love me a new waste of time)
  8. My big ole jacuzzi bath tub. Nuf said
  9. Spanx. Also needs no explanation
  10. Nigella Lawson. Swoon, she is my girl crush. The woman can cook like nobody’s business, she’s all about the itty-bity-waist and a…. in your face and that does not stop her from owning the screen and ending her show by either raiding the fridge and dining in the doorway or hopping into her bed, surrounded by stacks of books and noshing on leftovers. That is my kind of chick! Thanks Nigella for actually eating what you cook unlike others, who I suspect either purge or in the case of at least one, subsist on human blood (it’s NOT a good thing okay!)

    Huzzah for talented CURVY girls!

And number 11 -I was never good at math- I’m thankful for YOU, The Nuggetiers, my readers, peeps, entourage if you will. You stop by and give me your time and for that I can not thank you enough.

Happy Turkey Day Gang!  

VOTE (Early and Often)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or in a bunker surrounded by your survival seeds -Hi MOM!- you’ve no doubt noticed that it’s election time. From the “he said, she said” to the “he did her”  and the occasional “he did him” ads to the “The rent is too dam high” debate, our political process is in full bloom. Kind of like Deadly Nightshade, yes?

The CIA could take notes from our esteemed political parties. All the yard signs, billboards, direct mailings and TV ads are like psychological warfare. MAKE. IT. STOP. vote already! Hell they’ve even infiltrated FaceBook dam them.

My five year old said to me the other day “Mom if everyone on TV says everyone else is lying? Then aren’t they all liars?” <—from the mouths of babes, ya’ll!

So this election day I’ve resolved to vote not just to end the onslaught but for something truly relevant, a cause I can get behind, something that really matters.. not one iota.. ME!
Click here to vote for my blog ... early and often
I’ve been nominated by my party (The Slacker Coalition) for the Baltimore Sun’s annual Blogging and Social Media award the Mobbie (don’t ask me what that means, I’m a slacker I haven’t bothered to find out). Some poor souls out there thought I was funny so they nominated me for the Humor category. Because I have a gaggle of offspring, they tossed me a bone in the Family section as well.  The Slackers are backing me for the Best Personal Twitter feed as well as the Misfit Blog candidacies.  Since I know I’ve got pretty much zero shot at landing any of these I’m going to sit back, do nothing, let the dishes pile up, kids get smelly, check twitter every 30 seconds like a neurotic shut-in (so, pretty much change nothing) until the results are in. Because let’s face it, much like our political system… blah blah.. what was I saying? Who wants cookies?

This week in SPAM

Since moving from Blogger to Word Press I’ve had to work through a few “issues”. Like losing over 800 RSS subscribers -not bitter, not- having to deal with the sharp drop off in comments (the Paxil & vodka are taking care of that, no worries). Google isn’t speaking to me anymore, and is so butt hurt by the break up that they’ve revoked my Friend Connect.

On the upside I’m killing in the spam comment department. I tell ya I’m like stank on a dead monkey in-a-van-down-by-the-river to these people, effing irresistible! Sure there are your run of the mill, “Hot, desperate housewives, get it hard” and “Lonely singles in your area ready to stalk and kill chat with you”. Others are less enticing, like the slackers who just leave a link to their mortgage loan companies. Still there are a few out there that make me step away from the Mother’s Cure and say “WAH?”. Here are just a few of my personal favs:

“Please, can you PM me and tell me few more thinks about this, I am really fan of your blog…” um yeah, glad you’re such a “fan” but I only “PM” my husband, thankyouverymuch.

“Let’s start with stating that if a person world wide web not to mention try to find most of these stipulations “quick fat loss” or simply “how to lose excess fat quickly” you can find large amounts of results will appear.” You had me at “quick fat loss” where do I sign up for that “stipulation” with the one person “world wide web”?  Because “large amounts of results” -from eating cheese- have already appeared. ON. MY. ASS.

“If you have an expirience with making graphic to web on-line shop please let me know. I’m looking for somebady hwo can create and implement graphics to on-line shop” Whoa whoa, slow down buddy. Let’s start with a dictionary then we’ll think about moving on to “making graphic” okay?

See I don’t need you people to comment anymore (NOT) I’ve got super cool new friends who love me for who I am: Fat, illiterate and easy!