Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to bear witness to the last will and testament of my sanity. Once a storied and virile entity, sadly it has shed this mortal coil. It’s final wishes are as follows:
To my children, I leave the ability to form a coherent sentence before a minimum of three cups of coffee as well as the use of my “inside” voice.
My darling husband I leave you all carefree hours spent NOT concerned with either the cleanliness of the floors how many hours I spend on twitter.
Tiger Woods, Lindsay Lohan and Jesse James you get my ability to not work myself up into a froth over the warped sense of what is actually news worthy.
British Petroleum, to you I leave any misguided faith I may ever have had in the decency of corporations.
To the piles of paper on my desk, the whiteboard marred with countless “to do” list items and the in-box of my personal email account stuffed with over 500 unread messages, I leave my ability to schedule anything and stick to it.
Dear 15x magnifying, 5 light setting mirror on my bathroom counter, I leave you the hours upon hours I spend battling the great follicle migration that is quickly spreading out of control on my upper lip, chin and neck.
To my mother-in-law I bequest my insistence that my 40 something year old husband can indeed by his own underwear and my children can, by the age of 5, self feed.
May the millions of idiots I’ve encountered behind the wheels of all shapes and sizes of vehicle enjoy my ability to toss the bird, curse in the prescience of children and abuse the use of my horn.
Dear, dear torturous treadmill, to you I bequeath my inner six am dialog that goes something like this; “Five more minutes”.. “NO! if you don’t get up now you won’t work out at all”..”Who cares?”… “Have you seen our ass? YOU CARE! or you should”.. “Ugh, but I feel like a freakin’ hampster!”..”You look like one too! Big butt, chubby cheeks and food stored for later in your yap”.. “Okay, okay. I’ll get up already. Bitch!”
And lastly to the Nuggetiers I leave my ability to obsessively check for comments, tweets, track-backs, pings, wall writings and the desire to win approval and adoration of faceless strangers on the web.
May my sanity rest in peas.