Looks like somebody ticked off Old Man Winter.. AGAIN! Will you people please stop that already?! We are told to brace for five inches here. No big right? Well if I’ve learned one thing since moving here from the left coast it’s that those dam weather prognosticators are clueless oafs in a fake profession. Even my much lauded crush on CNN weather hunk Bob Van Dillen can not sway me into believing these people know any more about weather than my cat. If I let my guard down for even a minute we end up with THIS
Don’t get me wrong I like snow. Let me rephrase that… I like snow I can ski on, get off of, retire to a warm lodge from with a hot adult beverage and then drive away from. When we bought this house the Realtor told us that we could expect about an inch or TWO a year. WRONG! Dam this global warming crap. Wait.. did I get that wrong or did Al?
So here are a few of the things I’ll be doing if we get snowed in tonight:
Building a fire. I like to watch things burn, so what?!
Playing board games with the kids
Pulling kids off one another and screaming “Now NOBODY gets to be the car in Monopoly!”
I’m loathe to make any sort of resolution, let alone one at the start of the new year. However, being the big fury ball* of contradiction that I am, I went and made one this year. Brace yourselves Nuggetiers it’s a doozie. (insert pregnant pause followed by a symphonic drum roll)
In this, the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, I -Lara DiPaola, being of questionably sound mind and certainly unsound body- do solemnly resolve to be ever resolute in my personal resolution to resolve NOT A DAM THING!
You see I hate to fail. Really who likes to? So why do we set ourselves up like this every January first?
“Oh, I resolve to spend my time doing the things I like to do.”(she quotes in her best high pitched mocking tone)
Really, ya do huh? I say we all make that resolution. Why not? Because honestly who needs people to spend time doing things they don’t like? Perhaps things like oh collecting trash?
Or in my case doing laundry, paying bills and acting as though a weekend at my in-laws would be a good idea. Nah who needs that? I say we just drink beer, watch football and dance people! Then again, if you’re into picking up trash or hanging with the MIL… like it’s your “thing”… well then more power to ya, resolve away my friend.
“I resolve to be more kind to others”(blah blah blah)
Good for you! I say that earnestly and in the most sincere way I can, for you see I could never keep that one. I’d be toast the first time some asshat cut me off in traffic or worse one who sped up so I couldn’t change lanes. You know that guy. He is the one who can’t live with the thought that someone might even be pondering the notion of encroaching upon the lane that was no doubt created with the expressed use of ONLY his over priced, gas guzzling, environmentally uncouth SUV in mind as it’s only purpose in life. My kindness resolution would be out the window, along with the bird no doubt.
“I am going to get organized and stay on-task and in-the-zone this year” (gag)
Aside from the obvious and gratuitous overuse of annoying catch phrases in this resolution there are several other issues at play in my inability to hop on board with this resolution. 1) Organization is for the sick-minded. B) If I had just one task, dude this would be doable. As any mom can attest, that just ain’t happenin’. Lastly) I have four kids. Game. Set. Match. This one is in the crapper.
“I’m going to loose weight, get in shape and change the world” (oh you poor, poor, deluded thing)
In actuality this one I could support. The thing is I can also support sparkly, hot, vampires who will no doubt meet me in some antique bookstore, quote Edna St. Vincent Millay to me -in Italian of course- and whisk me away to an eternity of free reading time and crazy pillow “talk”. So yeah, I’m thinking neither of these -as lovely as they sound- is in the cards for me.
That leaves me with the best option for success out there.. do nothing.. it’s a sure thing!
* By “fury” I mean actual fur. Have you seen my upper lip? WTH?!
Why yes you diligent observers of Nugget etiquette is in fact MANuary. And to be honest at the rate I’m getting things accomplished well we might not get any guy “action” around here until FEMruary. In all seriousness turning my blog over to the boys each New Year is one of favorite ways to be lazy. It’s given rise to such gems as Fit Pitchin’ Friday: MANuary style in which I come clean and alienate 98% of people (four of the five of them being women) that read this blog.
Yes MANuary is a magical time of year where the stars align and for nearly a full lunar cycle all is right with the world. Of course we all know how a “cycle” effects one’s ability to function so we’ll just blame the lack of testosterone around here on that.
Because it’s the holidays and I have yet to figure out how to trap and enslave elves like a certain someone who shall remain nameless, I don’t have much time -or sanity- to blog. So this will just be a quick rant about a few things that make me say “Oh Please!” (yes I realize that at “quick” rant from me flies in the face of all things logical)
Note to those people who produce corn based cat litter. You EATING the stuff does NOT induce me to want to rush out an buy it. For the record asking “actual cat owners”, especially the woman who looks like she might have cat hoarding issues, if they can smell the “actual cat urine” isn’t compelling either. Have you not noticed that the nasal ability of cat owners is impaired? (I say this as the owner of two cats who just returned from a week long vacation to notice an aroma wafting through the house)
Some people, my husband included, claim to enjoy egg nog. Yet not a one can tell me what portion of the egg is actually the nog
Sure “Decking the Halls” sounds all holiday cheer and crap but it’s work people! FOR ME!!
Healthy holiday eating is not only possible but fun and tasty. Yeah and I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you
Bluetooth headsets in public places. Need I elaborate on that one?
Nuddle.. the “most luxurious, comfortable, warm…” over priced Snuggie ever! For the record my bathrobe kicks butt on both of them
So do tell.. what makes YOU -roll your eyes like a teenage girl asked to put down the cell phone and pickup a broom- say “Oh.. PLEASE!”
To start things off the fact that I have zero time for my blog, your blog or any other blog. UNFAIR
Now onto the other crap from the week past, that sent me into screaming frenzies at both the audacity and idiocy of the human creature.
This week the elected brain trust of the city of San Francisco became the first city in our fair country to ban Happy Meal toys in meals that contained over a certain amount of calories.
City supervisor Eric “I know how to parent YOUR kids” Mar was quoted as having said, “We’re part of a movement that is moving forward an agenda of food justice”. Um.. “Food Justice”? Please do be splaining this to me Mr. Mar. You see I am such a lazy ignoramus, so unfit to parent my own children, that not only am I incapable of making good food choices for them I have no clue what the hell you are talking about. Seriously at what point did a McNugget become become public enemy number one? Was is around the same time that, we as parents collectively became wholly unable to employ the long proven tactic of “I don’t care if you want the dam toy! I said no and “no” means NO!” I do not need you or your “agenda” to tell me how to feed my family. If what you’re trying to do is make healthy food more attractive to families why not start with putting pricing caps on organic foods. Hello, my last Whole Foods bill likely knocked one of the brood off the “College Bound” list.
Chalk up a “win” for the First Amendment gang. This week the World’s largest on-line retailer, Amazon, took a stand for the little guy (which is why I’m assuming he has his “issues”) a pedophile who wrote an e-book with “guidelines that will hopefully help you if you ever get caught” (from the actual Amazon listing). When inundated with emails from outraged customers (yours truly included) this is part of what Amazon had to say…
“our goal is to provide customers with the broadest selection possible so they can find, discover, and buy any item they might be seeking. That selection includes some items which many people may find objectionable. Therefore, the items offered on our website represent a wide spectrum of opinions on a variety of topics…Amazon.com believes it is censorship not to sell certain titles because we believe their message is objectionable. Therefore, we’ll continue to make controversial works available in the United States and everywhere else, except where they’re prohibited by law.”
(for the record Amazon will not sell adult on adult porn.. but this.. sure why not?)
I am the FIRST person who will rally behind the cause of preventing censorship. I went to a school where book banning was the local pass-time. That said, I think giving “tips and guidelines for having safe pleasure” when we’re talking about CHILDREN just might border on criminal. Thankfully Amazon freaked the fuck out when faced with a boycott during the holidays saw the light and did the right thing. The book was pulled yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday was Veterans Day. I usually have a post up (read last year’s, if only to see me in uniform, rawr). This year I didn’t write one. I saved my thoughts for today. Why? Well because the public school in the FINE state of Maryland (the “Free State”, ironically made so through the sacrifice of Veteran.. ahem) could not .. ONCE AGAIN.. see their way to observing the day. Yep, yet again the schools were open. This really gets me. Our schools close for everything! The number of “in-services” is dizzying. Yet they can’t take pause to pay proper respect the the “service” that matters most. WHATEVERRRR! It sickens me so much, that if it were not for the fact that I’d have to spend the whole day with my own kids, I’d have pulled them out of school in protest.
So gang… how was your week? Who cheesed you off? What ridiculous policy chapped your hide? Which one of you has a fit to pitch? Come on.. you KNOW you wanna. SO just DO IT! Let it all hang out.. give em what for. Or just leave an anonymous comment telling off some nameless, faceless person who offended ya. We’ve all been there.