Category Archives: Fits Pitched

Fit Pitchin’ Friday: MILF

Hold your horses folks.. this is NOT the Fit Pitchin’ Friday edition where I bust out with my list of top 10 chicks I’d .. well let’s just say it’s not that post. In this case the “MILF” we’re talking about is the Mother In-law I’d Like to Flog.  Okay so it’s a stretch but heck a girl has got to worry about her SEO these days.. gag. (I think I threw up in my mouth a little there)

You see, silly me, I thought I’d invite my in-laws down here to the Baltimore burbs for a visit.

-This is the point at which we all pause to shake our heads and say “What was she thinking?”-

Honestly folks I don’t know. I think it’s rather like the phenomenon of child birthing. You have your first kid. It’s nine months of morphing into some sort of bloated alien being followed by hours of endless tearing, pushing and extruding -all just as gross as it sounds- only to be finished off with weeks of sleepless nights and a flap of skin, you’ll never get rid of, where your “abs” used to be.

You’d think we’d learn from this experience and never pop another puppy out. But NO… eventually those memories fade and you find yourself sniffing the scalp of some gurgling drool troll and start longing to do it all over again.

It’s sort of that way with my mother-in-law. She blows in, missing the house that was intended to be dropped on her, stuffs the kids full of candy and sicks her flying monkeys on me. Yet some how, after she’s been gone a few months, I start to think; “The kids need to see Grandma. It’s really not all that bad”.

So I talk my husband into inviting his parents down, masochist that I am, and set upon an epic house cleaning jaunt that will NEVER, in my lifetime, be sufficient. The kids get excited and I get nauseous. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother-in-law, yes I seriously do. I know first hand what a real monster-in-law is like and this time around I got lucky. The thing is, this new model is the souped up Passive Aggressive 2000.

Her features include:

  • An insulated cooler: Packed with enough meals made in HER kitchen so as to rescue my family from my cooking for the duration of her visit
  • Detachable storage: Filled with new white socks because my washer just never seems to work properly “kids need white socks”
  • Custom feedback feature: This one is my FAVORITE..  this feature allows the Passive Aggressive 2000 to say things like “Wow you’re really looking well rested. Can I do those dishes for you?” or “You’ve lost weight” (as if) and my personal favorite “You just relax while we’re here, I know how to take care of a house”

We won’t even mention the added bonus of being able to rearrange my cabinets “for easier access” when I’m at the store buying HOOCH! Now don’t you just want to run out and get your own PA 2000 TODAY? Yeah, didn’t think so. Now you can fully appreciate the need for this fit, I’ll be revisiting it Every. Time. I get the urge to invite the MILF over.

Now it’s your turn.. what to you need to pitch a fit about this Friday?

Note: I really and truly do adore my mother-in-law despite, and even sometimes because of, her “special” way of doing things. Hell who doesn’t want homemade Manacotti with shrimp sauce? HELLO!

(royalty) Check Please… a Fit Pitchin’ Friday Guest Post

Being a muse really has it’s draw backs, ya know. First there is the whole drinking from that Hippocrene fountain thing -which for the record tastes like Greek toilet water- and having jackhole nymphs run around calling you a “hypocrite” for it. WHATEV! 

You’d think having a freaking GOD for a pops would get a girl a break but NO… There are always these “artsy” types mewing about needing inspiration and crap.  Um have you tried The Green Fairy? I hear “she” works cheap (gotta love them French broads).  Sure there is the whole insanity thing but really if you’re planning on making a living from painting water weeds.. okay lilies geesh… then maybe you’re not exactly painting on a stable easel, bud.

It could be worse though I guess. After all one of my sisters got saddled with the name, Urania. Okay so maybe it’s cool to be the muse of “heaven” and all but that one just invites all kinds of nickname trauma (we call her Princess Pee.. ha!).

My “issue” though is with guys like this one son of Latvian Sheep Herders. The dude’s name is Chris Blake, we met in this really hot night club in Riga.

He was all “I’m a singer song writer. Seventh sexiest guy on Twitter even”

I was all “Yeah okay, buy me a drink and you can be Bono babe”

It was a slow night so I threw the guy a bone, batted my eye lashes and laid some serious Muse-ing on him. Next thing I know I’m on Facebook and this mook has put out a killer new EP called “Girl” and not a SINGLE mention of MOI! Um hellooooo how hard is it to remember the name Terpsichore? seriously!

Turns out this guy is going to be hanging out on Twitter tonight (cliche much?) from 9:00-10:30 pm (EST) with Lara and The Music Mamas. I hear there will be one of those iPod Touch things up for grabs along with a bunch of other cool crud like Soge Shirts and Skullcandy gear. I’m thinking I might stop by and ask Chris where the hell my royalty check is!

Fit Pitchin’ Friday: Marshall Mathers gets some Lathered

It’s been some time since we’ve indulged in a weekly bitch session Fit Pitchin’ Friday. Fear not my sweet sweet Nuggetiers, your fearless leader still has quite a bit of the ole’ soapbox-er in her. This week though you’ll be able to get your Fit fix over at The Music Mamas. Stop by and see what I’ve got to say about Megan Fox, Slim Shady and poster girls.

As always, feel free to pitch your own fit in the comments (cue the socially inept fidgeting and hippie tunes: Where have all the comments gone?). I’m listenin’ .. get it off your chest and go into the weekend renewed and ready for new material for next week’s fit!

All Joy and NO FUN? …

Maybe you haven’t read the New York Magazine article by Jennifer Senior yet. Or maybe you have, seeing-as-how it’s been quite the buzz around the blogosphere. Essentially, once you peel away some of the condescension and inflammatory zingers like “Why Parents Hate Parenting” -which by the way I don’t always disagree with- it’s a poignant and very relevant -if long winded- article (I could have done with out the creepy shirtless dad in need of a chest waxing photo myself).

Does being a parent cut down on our happiness quotient? Were we sold a bill of goods by the procreation posse; brain washed to think that they only true happiness comes when we impart our wisdom, pour out our worries and heap our savings accounts upon our off spring?

I’ll admit there are days when I, like Harper, “trawl” my cabinets (or rather my tre chic globe shaped bar) in search of liquid coping skills. That said, I can recall days when I did the same after a really crappy day at work, BTS (Before The Spawning).

Senior puts the “scientific” research by big brained folk at revered institutions up there for the reader to take as they will. I for one don’t buy anything from those lab nerds. Heck they keep telling us drinking is bad, then good, and continue to waffle between the two, as though they were DRINKING! How does one scientifically prove another person’s happiness level? Happiness is a fleeting thing, is it not? I mean I can have a great moment in a day, one that fills me joy and IS FUN, but still have an over all crappy day.

Are kids the cause? Some days. Other days it’s the husband, mother-in-law or my own demons rearing their ugly heads. Do I have days where I feel like I’ve been swallowed by parenting and will never emerge with a sense of self let alone a coherent sentence? … um that would be MOST days. On the flip side though I have several friends who are childless either by design or fate who also feel consumed by things outside of who the see themselves as, be that work, relationships or life in general.

Is parenting expensive, hard, often thankless work that sucks the life out of me making me want to run screaming naked into the streets with my hair on fire? Sometimes. Is there a militia militant parents out there hell bent on programing us to bow down to their idea of right and happy? YES! Does that mean that I don’t find happiness in being a parent and an equal part of longing for things I’ve given up to do so? No. Would I trade being a parent to get that happiness? AbsoFREAKINGlutely NOT! Never underestimate joy people. Don’t discount the fun in sitting on the floor with a toddler, a coloring book and crayons or dancing your ass off in the stands at a U2 concert with your teenager. I am a parent. I am a person. I am complicated, exhausted, fulfilled, unfulfilled, appreciated, ignored and some days so filled with the joy of just being that yes, indeed I just may be a little happy.

Please read the article and give me YOUR thoughts

On this date in history…

On this date in history, July 8th in the year 951 Paris, France is founded giving the world The City of Lights. The same day in 1907  Mr. Florenz Ziegfeld staged his first follies on the roof top of a New York theater. And on this day in the year 1971 history failed to impress us in the same manner and instead gave us the birth of one ME.

In the words of the indomitable Ms. Dolly Parton as Truvy from Steel Magnolia’s “Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin’ across your face”. And boy does it! I looked in the mirror this morning and was convinced that somewhere in our family gene pool a Shar Pei must have stopped to take a pee!  So I did what any “maturing” woman should do on her 39th birthday… I put on my big girl panties, the ones that cover everything from navel to knee and have been around nearly as long as me, introduced Juan Valdez to my friend Mr. Bailey’s and proceeded to take a trip down memory lane. Join me won’t you? I hear misery is clingy bitch and needs the same approval from strangers that I do.

Morticia and Gomez Mom and Da were pretty young themselves when they brought me home. I wonder if they noticed my ENORMOUS Alien head?

The first of my 39 Birthdays

From a very young age I was keenly aware of the power of accessorizing. Sadly Mom had fallen prey to Caddy Shack couture.

Juan Valdez is such a hack. Dude ripped me off!
As the mother of four now myself, it’s starting to sink in that even though our kids seem to NEVER listen to us, some things may sink in. So maybe my own mother tried subtle subliminal messaging.  This may explain some of my later choices in life…
Susie Salior girl.. age 3

Then came the awkward, gawky, pre-braces and the even worse…braces years…
Pre-braces sporting the Magnum P.I. meets wanna be Farrah look

<—-This is all your gonna get here gang. After this photo I was  rather apt at camera avoidance. A skill that serves me well to this very day. (on a side note you’ll notice why my father says I was blessed with an eight-head.. double the size of a forehead. Well he got his gang.. he now sports what I lovingly call his SIXTEEN-head)

Enter the teen years and beyond. When I think about it I’ve packed so much into 39 years that I may just be equally as freaked out about the thought of boredom as I am about aging with little grace.. um okay.. NOT!

I fell in puppy love…

Our Senior Prom theme "On the Edge of a Dream" how hokey! RIP Johnny Lee

sewed some of those famous “oats”…

Susie Sailor girl.. age 19
... wayfarers on baby... (I think Wanda is gonna kill me for posting this)

and was eventually lucky enough to land the love of the world’s most amazing guy!

Can't help lovin' that man o' mine (yes I married Serpico.. ha ha)

AND have some pretty cool kidlets…

A Sillybanz of Familyhood

All things considered (well accept for the wrinkles, sags, bags and lack of Jags) it’s been a great three decades plus 9 and if I can maintain any semblance of sanity I think I can safely say I look forward to FORTY!